I smell bacon: Or how I was assaulted by a police officer.

Since I haven't had time to find out what has been happening besides missing white women and boy scouts, I decided to write about another thing that has occured.

I have this interesting problem with my house. It is situated alongside another house. This is typical in quasi-urban-suburban communities (aka slums). The major problem is that there is just enough speace between my driveway and the neighbor's driveway to fit 2 compact cars. Now typically, 2 compact cars in those spots is a rarity. The two parking spots are usually occupied by two larger non-compact vehicles.

Somehow, when there are two cars that are not compact cars parked in those two spots, one of the non-compact cars' trunk overhangs on my driveway and makes it virtually impossible to actually drive my car into my driveway. The driveway has a sign that is rather legible and says "No Parking in Driveway."

So the case is this. Sometimes, there is a car which overhangs in my driveway. Typically, I excercise self control and offer myself solace in not succumbing to my instinctive thought of taking a key to the paint job of the car, then slashing at least 2 of said car's tires. Nay I say. Let me call the police. The reason the second instinct is to call the police is because first they are supposed to "Protect and Serve" and I pay good amounts of property taxes to pay their salary, they also have computers in their cars which can find people's addresses so that they or myself can go and knock on the door of the illeterate fuckwad who overhung his car in my driveway. Other reasons for calling the police include my non-neighborly isolationist, non-nosey, and non-gossipy personality traits. So I don't keep a running log of who lives on my block let alone which car said folks drive. I know this is terrible in the post 9/11 world where we are all supposed to be spying on each other in order to find terrorist treasonist communist baby killing pig fuckers. But alas, I would rather engange in other activities.

By the way, Harrison allows you to parralel park in your drive way (this will be clear in a graph or two).

Now, the scenario just so happened to take shape last night. A car illicitly and explicitly was at least 1 foot over the place where my car would be just about able to squeak by (like if I had an emergency and had to rush to the hospital or something). SO i was unable to insert or remove any car from my driveway. I waited a few hours hoping whomever it was would move the car. Neigh. So inevitably I called the cops. I don't honk the horn in perpetuity anymore. I find that annoying when people do that on my block so I don't think it a good strategy of removing vehicles from my driveway. Besides, remember those cops have neato dorito computers that can avoid honking.

So the following is a rough transcript of what happened when the cop (Harrison Police Officer #38 Last name: Pacillo) came.

Officer: Hi How can I help you.
Me: This car is preventing me from putting my car in my driveway.
Officer: Ok I can ticket it.
Me: I would prefer if you could get it towed or something.
Officer: I am not going to tow a car just because it is slightly overhanging your driveway.
Me: I can't put my car in or out of my driveway and I would appreciate it if you towed this car.
Officer: I won't tow it.
Me: You have to.
Officer: I won't.

Let's hold it there. I have heard all of this before and this is about when the fuse goes boom in my head and my nerves start going nutz. I feel like if I wouldn't got to jail indefinitely I would punch an officer that says I have no right to drive my car into my own driveway which my parents and I have owned far longer than this pig fucker cop has been working in this town. My taxes have more than paid at least one year of this unreasonable fucks salary. That being said, let us proceed (imagine this part happening really loud so that most of the neighbors can hear it):

Me: Listen officer, I get tickets in my own driveway.
Officer PF (Pig Fucker): I don't care I am not the one who wrote those tickets.
Me: I don't care either, I am just making the point that I get ticketed in my own driveway and yet you aren't willing to tow someone ELSE who is parked in my driveway. If you aren't willing to tow it I will just go back inside and get a tow truck to come.
Officer PF: They won't come unless I call them.
Me: Really? Then I will remind you that I pay fucking property taxes to have fucking access to my fucking driveway and I want you to fucking tow this fucking car. (I did use the word fucking a bit much, so what 1st ammendmend).

Oh boy did that set him off. He invaded my personal space and was about 3 inches from my face for this next part. Also at this time, the owner of the car came out. She, interestingly enough, turned out to be my next door neighbor. Let's get it on:

Officer PF (3 inches from my face mind you): If you curse and tell me one more time how to do my job I am going to lock you up.
Me: (Nervous as hell and walking away) OK OK. Fine.
(Enter owner of the car saying sorry and all that jazz)
Officer PF: So why didn't you just ring her doorbell to ask her to move the car.
Me: I don't keep track of who owns ever car on this block.
Officer PF: Neither do I.
Me: But you have a computer that you can run the licence plates on don't you?
Officer PF: If you tell me one more time how to do my job I'm gonna lock you up.
Me: OK officer. Number 38 right?
Officer PF: Yes 38 (screaming still) P-A-C-I-L-L-O.
Me: Thanks

Now let's turn to the legal definition of assault:

1) v. the threat or attempt to strike another, whether successful or not, provided the target is aware of the danger. The assaulter must be reasonably capable of carrying through the attack. In some states if the assault is with a deadly weapon (such as sniping with a rifle), the intended victim does not need to know of the peril. Other state laws distinguish between different degrees (first or second) of assault depending on whether there is actual hitting, injury or just a threat. "Aggravated assault" is an attack connected with the commission of another crime, such as beating a clerk during a robbery. 2) n. the act of committing an assault, as in "there was an assault down on Third Avenue." Assault is both a criminal wrong, for which one may be charged and tried, and civil wrong for which the target may sue for damages due to the assault, including for mental distress.

Frist let's address the empty threat of locking me up for cursing in public. This is not a crime, neither is cursing at a police officer, or cursing about a police officer. You can curse all you want in front of a police officer, unless you threaten that police officer, you can say whatever with impunity. This also applies to the president of the United States. I can say I hate the fucking President and not worry about going to jail. So I say I hate the fucking fucked up President all the time on this blog and in other places, because I know I have something called a Human Right of Freedom of Speech.

Officer Pig Fucker doesn't seem to know that. Apparently they didn't teach him this or other basic ways of dealing with people in "how to be a police officer" school.

Second let's see about this assault stuff. The lady law school student told me he was being an ass hole but I only thought about this assault thing as I was writting this. I am sure she will agree that while he may not have tried to hit me, invasion of personal space in a rather imposing, loud toned, and somewhat violent manner may constituted assault.

Now I am not in the business of ruining people's carreer. My cousin just became a cop and I know its hard work. However, my cousin would never treat another human being like Officer Pig Fucker did. I mean he was raised right, and doesn't have to take his dick out and swing it around every time he wears his uniform.

However, it is officer's such as Officer Pig Fucker that give cops a bad name. They are the kind of cops that given the right murder case, could wind up being a major part of letting a criminal run loose. They also need to learn a lesson.

So besides writting a letter practically the same as this blog post (sans pig fucker refferences) to my local elected and police officials, should I press assault charges on this cop?

It would be grand. And perhaps, given the irrelevance of this case in comparison to other world events, I might get CNN to cover the entire thing.